Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Here i am,its another sleepless nyte for me.I am really facing a major problem. HUge insomia problem,which is the worst of all the i've had.Cept for sat,the best sleep i've had for the past 2 weeks. But now,i'm in a horrible state. My mind is in a twirl,my tears are flowin non-stop.i cannot ctrl myself.Jus now at a pt of tym i felt like commitin suicide. Thankfully,i'm still clear that i kennt die.But i'm feelin very awful now.I thought i was relly tired den switched off the com ard 1 and lay on my bed. Was flippin tru my stuffs and found 1 of my old diary. Since,i'm not able to get to slp,then i just read it. My daily entries went back to yr 2000. Gosh,dat was so damn long ago. However,upon reading each entry,memories flashed across my mind vividly.there were tym i'm waitin for my O's results,den feelins on flunkin Maths,after that will b at Dockers workin,my relationship with Amos,how i was toyed by him. Not long after, it came to my beginnin life in poly. My outings wit Nigel, how i was gaga over him. Than,it was eric,how he changed my life. The first tym we broke up and he cried for me,which is oso the last tym he's gonna cry for me. It was on 21st OCT 2001.We were quarrelling abt stupid confession on that both of us felt we'll not end up together.He claimed that upon havin those tots meant that i no longer have any confidence in our relationship,in him and me, myself.So what is the pt of carrying on? Most imptly,he was tremendously disappointed in me. Thus a break up initiated by him.We were on the fone,and he was weepin.i wrote that " when we broke off.. he was crying.... It relly broke my heart... " i believed at that moment of tym, my heart was relly pinching. Therefore,i decided to give it a try one more tym.

At another pt of tym, i was lost and too adsorbed into a few entries. It was abt Eric's ex. The part that got me flustered,vexed and definately JEALOUS!!!!!... okae, am gonna copied a few .. here it goes
On 1st Dec 2001 --- " Mmmm,at that tym, M.Y is only 15,i supopse,but gosh,she's so matured.thou i'm 18, i dun think i'm as matured as her..."

"through the letters,ken relly tell that she relly lurves him. Obviously more than me!! Even though, i owaes claimed that i lurve him lotss. *sigh* kinda disappointed of myself.I kennt be compared to her.She is relly FAB!!! "

"In a Bdae card given to him after their break-up,she mentioned abt the ring he bought for her. It was engraved with "ETERNITY", kinda making me jealous. But i aint a materialistic gurl,ring doent metas but the engravement is likewise. I am relly JEALOUS. He never mention anything of Forever or Eternity to me. I meant i understand why he didnt.but its jus dat,i'm a word deprived person. ... ... "

".... In another letter, M.Y mentioned that, she ken feel that he is unhappy most of the time. *kaoz* she ken feel sia! She relly *woo hoo* i am just so lousy. In comparisons,i am nothing!! She's a marvellous gurl.Wheras,i am jus a Farkin Btch! "

"Furthermore,(suppose)eric din mention any sacrificings to her.But in her letter, she wrote, 'i have always felt you sacrificed a lot for our relationship. i know you feel that it is worth it, but i feel down right lousy.' Wow,Whoa!! As eric had said,she ken relly noes what he wans and what's on his mind.She pleases him,its jus dat she isnt dat appealing and their relationship is kinda boring. What a waste!! .. "

"kaoz, now what i'm pondering of is sucky!! i'm wondering if our relationship is a lust thingy or for real ... "

" ... he seems serious to both of us but he looked damn so 幸福 with her in the foto. But ours was like ... ... ... he hugged her so tightly.Gave the feeling of never wanting to let go. Whearas mine, he aint even hug. So what d'ya think ? "

" ... In the neoprints, M.Y looked so happy!!! She must have been real sad and heart-broken when he initiated a break-up. In addition,she must be lucky too!!cos she gets to see him crying.. "

"How come she cld noe what's on his mind and what he wans? 真的不服气，我不可以，为什么？难道只有沐芸才懂他！！ 可能世上另有其人也可以，而就只有我不行！为什么？"

"是他太难捉摸，还是我不够用心？ issit that difficult? 为什么她能做到，我却不能呢？真的好想界入他的世界！explore & knws what's his thinking. Probably it may not be a good idea but i think i need to be able to do it."



Suddenly felt dat i am such a loser!!! such a failure at lurve as well and still ken 口口声声说多爱他。。。。



Its not jus the diary that spoilled my mood. told u, i oso got read abt to my old daes, like my times spent wit daddy. My first dae wrk at Paragon, daddy came to fetch me. that was what i oni worte in my diary. bUt what was pictured on my mind,was all abt him worried of me,den came check out my work place and commentin that my dress code is nt nice..

How i miss those daes,me workin he droppin by,bringin me food,checkin on me... seekin me advive on his dressing.. and so on and so forth.. kennt go on anymore, tears are drippin again..

i missed papa..
I missed being lurve..

i'm so traumatized now.
i'm trashed and crushed.
i'm sleepy but not yet brushed.

i wanna be lurved and accepted by eric so DAMN much....

i think i'm goin crazy...
i meant INSANE...

posted by Eve @ 11/02/2004 03:31:00 AM 0 Comments

Today was out wit classmates. haa was terribly late. Anw, meetin for lunch but i din ate wit dem cos i oreadi had lunch at home, thus ordered a cold coffee drink instead. save money.... after that went to L's hse to see her new pup. dang how adorable she is !!!!!!! but i'm a lil scarred of dogs. Therefore din relly plae much wit her. Spent roughly an hour at L's Hse, den headed down for a movie. Caught Ladder49. damn,its a terrific show! its a storyline involvin Firemen.. hai.. not very good at description so wun descripe much,but have to comment that it is relly a fabulous show! last but not least,ended the dae by havin dinner at swensen. mmm,as usual ate my fish&chip.. After which,all of us headed home. At the bus, R asked me a Q that sent me ponderin till now.. here goes " Now u can start ur future,with a job" smth like dat, kennt relly rem cos of the bad effect after drinkin coffee. Caffine hit me hard! arggg..

well,jus kennt stop thinkin what's my future is like and i am not wantin to face the reality now. hai,still want to slack ard. But Damn it.. damn the future and burdens... i relly wonder what if i got rejected from NIE.. die ahh,what am i suppose to do? shld i sign up SAF? but i am relly NOT into that post.. hai hai. but what to do,the pay is good.. argg.. i'm soso afraid.. Am scarred to enter that chapter of my life. Have to work and work.. work the sheat out of my life than slog and kill myself.. argg. Den when darlin ORD, he too will enter into workin society,by that tym, will our relationship still b able to persist or will he find sum1 else that is more suitable for him? Cos, he is exposed to more gurls liao.. argg argg.. i'm worried .. i'm sick of jus thinkin of those stuffs.Damn future!

Just now, was tokin wit N regardin guys in Army. Last tym sayin was, that guy will treasure the gf whu went tru NS daes with dem. But now, been witnessin and hearing too much guys dumpin GF after ORD due to more exposure and felt that the other gurl was beta den GF.. Well, N said,heard frm his frd's sergeant, dat guy will prolly MARRY the gf whu went tru NS daes wit the guy. hai, i relly hope that will applies on me cos i'm so sick and tired of relationship. Am not confident to be able to trust and depend on relationship anymore. Most imptly, too tired to start all over again. I relly hope my darling will b the wan proposin to me and the man startin a family wit me.. i noe its hard and a lil impossible,cos dear dear neva mention any future or marriage to me.. but i dun relly intend to get married bt jus hope he'll b the one by my side till da last breath of my life.

hai,now i am sittin here, thinkin of my future.. which kinda seems so bleak.. and dark.. hai, will Darlin be der to hold my hand throughout my upcomin ordeals ? or not ? hai.. what will my future be like.. what will i be next tym? i'm relly terrified to think of my future.. there doesnt seems to be any wae out. argg.. i felt like breakin down now.. why why why ? why do i have to go through this when my real adulthood life hav jus begun? Why do i have to bear so many responsibilities now? Why why why? Why mus u tke my beloved papa awae? Why mus u left me here not knowin and prepared? Why am i so unsure of everything? WHy Why WHy Why ? ? ? ?

Damn my Btch Life !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

posted by Eve @ 11/02/2004 12:49:00 AM 0 Comments